Come ride the little train that is rolling down the tracks to the junction Forget

about your cares It is time to relax at the junction Allowed to you bet And even more

when you to the junction petticoat junction there's a little hotel called the Shady Rest at the junction junction

It is run by Kate to come and be her guest at the junction code and

that circle Joe He's a moving kind of junction fair court junction Uncle Joe from New

York Must be the necktie you ordered with your name painted on by hand No doubt Yes

Yes For you Anything for me For Billy Joe from the Hollywood lingerie company Better not be black I

order pink I hope they didn't make a mistake if they're black They go in your hope chest

and not in your bureau Bobby Joe Oh it's my latest selection from the book club Don't

start reading till I get a chance to look at it Oh my goodness It's a Hollywood glamour wig It's

guaranteed to bring new excitement into my life or I get my money back Do I look like a

movie star Yes Like an old movie star named Harpo Marx I bet she was beautiful Oh the things those

silly kids throw away their good money on 00 I hope it didn't break That's my genuine

scat wrinkle magic youth beauty cream Uncle Joe Aren't you gonna take your tie in the closet and see

if it lights up the way it's supposed to you know who I am No I can't

believe it It's too good to be true What is it Mom Mrs Stroud is coming to look us over

Who's Mrs Stroud You mean you never saw Gladys Stroud's travel column in the Centerville Sun Express Oh

that Mrs Stroud Gee that's swell Ma Oh sure Her recommendation can make a hotel I've

been trying to get her here for three years I wonder what she means by that Thrilled

by your exciting brochure Same brochure I've been sending her for four years Never got her

excited before I wonder what's in here to fire up her boilers each floor with

its own private bath That isn't very exciting Most rooms with screens fly swatters free on request I couldn't

have done it Enjoy the summer heat without noisy air conditioning Well anyway she's coming Uncle Joe Welcome

Joe Get us Who's coming to stay with us Gladys Stroud the newspaper column Stroud Yeah I know when I

called to Centerville son expressed to stop her They told me she was already on her way here Oh

can you imagine I'm so excited you called to stop her You didn't say that Did you That's what

I said When did you call the Centerville Sun Express to stop her And why would you do that

Skip when Get to why As soon as I found out about the mistake I

rushed right into Hooterville and called her right then is this gonna be something I can take

standing up or is it a sitter might be a fainter You What mistake did you find

out about You Remember when I told you about making up that brochure a shady rest hotel of the future

You mean the one you were gonna use to get a big loan at the

bank The one all about swimming pools and tennis courts That's the one Well I just

wanted a few copies of my brochure of the future made up to show to the bank

Uncle Joe Yeah The way this story is going put away the knife You ain't the time I know

but don't put temptation in my path No go on So the new man at the print shop made

a mistake and he mailed out Uncle Joe's crazy brochure to our regular mailing list And

that's the one Mrs Stroud got You mean she's coming here expecting to see a swimming pool and tennis courts

and private baths and whatever else What's his name dreamed up What's his name She means uncle I

forbid you to mention that person's name mom couldn't we just explain the mistake to Mr

Stroud Like the owner of the hotel in Greenville tried to explain to her when she found

out his new chef was Canadian and not French like he had said in his advertisement

Oh yes She practically ran him out of business She even tried to put him in

jail for false advertising Hello girl anybody talks to him gets her wig taken away and if he

knows what's good for him he better get down to Hooterville and get Mr Stroud before

she gets on the train and talk her out of coming here Well what's he supposed to tell her

That woman's supposed to be a rip snorting She devil Well he better tell her the truth and beg her

to forgive him So she won't close us up for false advertising and so she won't put him in

jail That's my advice to him Now hold on just a minute We're being awful serious

about this kind of comical when you think about it Just a little mistake A little funny mix up It's

kind of humorous I've got news for him if making up crazy brochures full of tennis

courts swimming pools and private baths and getting those brochures sent by mistake to a

woman who's more than likely gonna close me up and deprive a poor widow of her

only means of supporting her Three fatherless daughters might be funny to him But to me it's

a far piece from Barney Kugel here because Willie drank his taxicab Must be Mrs Stroud Now don't you

be afraid of her You just tell her the truth and throw yourself on her mercy Good luck And

I'll see you later throw myself on her mercy and I intend to report you to the better

business bureau But ma'am it ain't my fault if that meter jumps 10 cents when

we hit a bump I always take it off the bill Yes When you get caught

I don't see that you're prevented from cheating the public Listen ma'am I got me three

kids to support Gladys Stroll Never lets sentiment sway her from her duty to her public

That mercy I'm going to throw myself on I don't think there's enough there to break the

fall I wonder what's taken Uncle Joe so long getting back from Hooterville Well it probably took him a couple

of hours of talking to Mrs Todd to get up the nerve to tell her the truth

You think everything's all right then mom Oh sure By now he's explained all about

the mix up with the brochures and everything and she's had a good laugh and she's on

her way back to Centerville That must be Uncle John now Right this way Mrs Stroud

you can see the swimming pool and the tennis courts in the morning Well suppose she does have to

leave first thing in the morning The train doesn't get here till 11 o'clock Now

she's still gonna want to see the tennis courts and swimming pool I'm gonna tell her the truth Not

gonna get a hold of yourself Kate I've got it all planned Floyd and Charlie are going

to have the train here at 8 30 instead of 11 But it's crazy She'll be here

tonight We'll never make Mrs Child think she's in a hotel with private bad swimming pools and

tennis courts Well it's the bowling alley in the indoor ice skating rink that's gotten me

worried Ik Joe what else did you put in that brochure You better tell me Well there's there's

no sense in us both being sick Just put yourself in my hands Kate I got you into this

trouble and I'm going to get you out now Just say to yourself I'm leaving

myself in Uncle Joe's capable hands I just wish there was something less ridiculous I could

say to myself I put her bags in the room right next to the bath I'm

gonna put my big radio up there and this what's that Don't you remember when

I said for them two way telephone from that catalog I'm gonna run a wire from

her window down to this Then she'll be able to call down for room service We'll make out

like we got a switchboard get it Oh boy Are we gonna get it I can't go

through with it I'm gonna tell her the truth It's the only way Well maybe

you're right She probably won't close the hotel She'll be satisfied just to send me to jail

You are working on me now Well don't worry about me They won't keep Uncle Joe on that

rock pi more in a couple of months Factor My heart may not live that

long Right You will faker you get your tail out from between your legs I'll

do my best Maybe we can't make Mrs Stroud think that this is a first class

luxury hotel Kate You'll never regret it I'm gonna run up to her room install this telephone in

that big radio mode and this is gonna be fun Uncle Joe Yeah you're cool

Cool Take one and no one Mr Bradley Cuckoo My mind was wandering How was dinner Wholesome

country cooking typical of the region Well so far this seems to be the primitive ear and I've always imagined

I can't believe it contains the lavish facilities described in your brochure We try to keep it primitive

at night You'll see all the lavish stuff in the morning I thought you served dinner in the crystal

room Oh boy crystal rooms closed for repairs You crack crystals you know about crystals You just look cross eyed

at them and they cry I see Um Well I think I'll go up to my room and take

a bath Oh may I have my key Hi thank you Hey ma did you

see this Oh my goodness That salesman from Ogden is taking a bath and Mrs

Stroud thinks that's her private bathroom Bobby Joe Stop her tell her anything Show her your snapshots I got

to go up the back steps and get that salesman out of the bathroom Oh

Mrs Strad Mr Straw Oh they call her for a moment Fire your boat tails on fire What's going on

Mrs Strauss coming up to take a bath Well gee hose I forgot about the private bath Yeah I'll

get him out of here and you go through the bedroom and clean up that bath here

Fire fire where downstairs you go down the backstairs and wash off the suds Mrs Strad Don't you want to

see any more pictures You can show me the rest of your pictures later I'm going to take my bath

Hello Mrs Ja Welcome to the second floor I say you're ready for your bath Mrs Stroud You certainly do

get around Are you all right Oh yes Yes Yes Yes When I run up the steps

too fast sometimes I kind of get the bends Hi Mr Brown I just put the big radio in your

room radio Oh I suppose you don't get television here Well I saw it in Greenville once and I didn't

get it there either It's a real good radio though Once in a while she'll quit on you

But you just kick her in the side You usually bring her around and kicked

a lot of good entertainment out of that Seth Now Mrs Todd you go ahead and

take your bath and have a nice soak and a good night's sleep and we'll see you in the morning

Yes indeed You need anything Just pick up the phone Would you like a bowl of fruit

with some peaches and a few bananas Yeah that's a good idea How about a couple of nuts

Yes How about that Hello Feeling any better Uh oh suppose Mrs Stroud wants to make a phone call and

she finds out we don't have any telephone wires and that that phone on the

wall is just to give the hotel class Keep your mind cheerful She's leaving the

first thing in the morning She won't have time to see anything You have to take our word for it

Make you feel better Well where's the gun It's a rattler That's the phone Mrs Crow

Maybe she wants me to come up and kick the radio What do I do Pick

it up Make out like your switchboard Hello Speaking Give her room service please Just a moment You'll

connect her Just a moment I'll connect you Good evening room service or a glass of warm milk right away

Mrs Strow Good night Nothing to it It wasn't hard It was sort of fun Go

ahead She probably wants to order some crackers with the milk Good evening What In just a moment

Room service No Chicago Oh my goodness What did I say I'm only good for room

service Hello Mrs Stroud What number Randolph 61599 Just a moment I don't understand it Usually in

emergencies like this I can manage to come up with a brainstorm Uh hello Mrs Stroud

Uh there was a storm on the other side of the mountains and some of the telephone lines

are down Yes If they get it fixed tonight I'll oh in the morning Yes Fine Good night

You're going to congratulate me You mean for being smart enough to have me around I was great on

room service Good morning Yes Mrs Stroud All right What's she doing up so early She'll be down in

tennis courts swimming pool bowling alley indoor ice skating rink and steam rooms Steam room

I got an idea Oh I'll bet it won't top Steam moves Listen if we do it right

we can get Mrs Strout on that train by 8 30 have her convinced that we got all the things

that says we've got in that brochure Now here's what we're gonna do It'll never

work Well if everybody does like she's supposed to it'll work Oh I'm so nervous

King rooms Well a man's gotta have a dream Conrad Hilton started with a dream If

he didn't print it up and have it mailed to Mrs Stroud Here she comes battle stations morning Mrs code

Did you sleep Well very well thank you Um are you going to show me

around the ground Oh yes I am But um first I want you to see a most

unusual and fancy elevator right over here Most folks don't appreciate how charming this elevator is why it doesn't

even work But don't if you didn't put your finger right on it Look I want you to step in

here and get the full flavor morning Oh morning young lady Uh the tennis courts are to

your right Have a good game Now where are we Oh yes The elevator Pardon

me I think I hear someone on the bowling alley Sorry folks No Bowling until after 10 o'clock Thank you

for your cooperation Where were we again Oh yes yes Yes I wanted to point out certain things about

Pardon me I wonder if that Billy Stebbins is on the indoor ice skating rink again Billy Stebbins you're

gonna have to quit making those fast stops You're cutting up the ice something awful Now stop it and slow

down Billy Stebbins I said slow down Smart alec Isn't that skating rink a little close

to the bowling alley Uh but yeah but but it it works out you see it uh it

keeps the bowlers cool and you automatically lose the game if you knock over a ice skater

I think I'd like to see that Skating ring too You'll see it in a little

while But first I want you to see some of the historical facts in our lobby Now All still now

Ok lady you're supposed to use the backstairs when coming from the swimming pools Sorry Cut Now over here

Mrs Stroud Good morning Miss Smith How was the golf course today Just lovely 18 charming holes But

of course we blondes have more fun than anybody isn't she The same young lady who just went out to

play tennis with a blonde wig on What was your cousin Is anybody using the steam room

No dear Have a good steam I'm sorry about all the interruptions Mr Trad But I just remembered Miss Smith's

the one who always leaves the steam door open Excuse me there's no steam Where's the

steam What keeps it cool off Close the door Miss Smith You're wasting the steam Uh

Miss Smith the stains going all over the place Just bring that Billy Stebbins off the

ice I've just got to have a look in there And what else did she

threaten I told you about closing us up and putting us in jail What else

is there Where's Uncle Joe He went up to romance Mr Stroud Romancer That'll never

work Well he's desperate He says he won't let anyone close up this hotel Well I'd sure like to hear

what goes on in that room Oh me too No girls You're not gonna listen outside that door like

common snoops Gee we're gonna do it like ladies with your mother in law You mean you don't

believe I love you more than I've ever loved anyone else before No if I'm lying

may my nose drop off I wish I could believe that you you just ain't

trying What attracted you to me Oh I don't know Maybe it was that little glint of mischief in your

eye or that little laugh that crinkles up your nose You're just an old faker All right

I give up If I confess to lying and false advertising will you promise just to blast at me

and not hurt Kate and her girls You mean those three girls are her daughters

Yes ma'am And they don't have any father and Kate's killing herself giving them a good bringing up

and an education and doing the work of six persons running this hotel and if

she was to lose it and I felt I was responsible Well I just wouldn't feel like living to I

can't hear a sound through this door I hear talking but I can't make out

words concern those honest solid early American builders Then you won't write anything bad about us in your

column I'm not a monster You should have told me the truth yesterday Will you

closed that hotel in Greenville And while you were making monster noises at Willie the cab driver

Well I guess my bark is a lot worse than my bite And that fellow in Greenville deserved to be

closed up Mhm Is that the laugh that crinkles my nose You're adorable You're a

prince among women I'm gonna tell Kate and the girls the good news Oh good

I'm glad you're all here Joe What happened Well you stop worrying about Mrs Trout then she's not closing

us up after all Thank goodness Well it's nice to see you all so happy Thanks to you

dear lady Oh we're so grateful Oh you should be grateful to Uncle Joe Oh

that handsome devil Crinkle that time Mrs Trout I don't call me Gladys Gladys I'll be expecting you

in Centreville Saturday night You're escorting me to my class reunion Oh I've got so many plans for

us I'll tell you all about it on the way to Hooterville Unbelievable Poor Uncle Joe He's

really too young to go steady petticoat junction This has been a film Ways presentation